Witches’ Brew

      Witches’ Brew

Fine. You got me. The accusations are true. Not the ones that I am undeniably attractive and unbelievably smart. (Okay, those are also true.) I’m talking about the witch ones. Before you go trying to burn me at the stake or something, I’m willing to make a compromise with you. I’ll share some of my concoctions I’ve made with the resources at hand. Grab a green container and your cauldron (or borrow from a friend), go to Wismer, and get cooking at your local cottage. I don’t have all day.

Massacre Mac and Cheese

A massacre for those whose lineage hath been cursed with intolerance of lactose.

What you’ll need:

– Bubonic Butter (or Ogre Olive Oil)

– Cadaver of Chicken from the Salad bar of Screams (Bewildering Bacon Bits optional)

– Chilling Cheese (of whatever variety they have that day)

– Tomatoes of Terror (the roasted variety)

– Pasta of Pestilence (found only when the witching hour of dinnertime approaches in Upper)

– Spellbinding Spinach

– Specter Spices 

– Milk of Mourning (found near the Dreadful Drinks section)

– Crypt Cream Cheese

Steps:

1. Grab your cauldron, and put it upon medium fire
2. Add in your Bubonic Butter or Ogre Olive Oil
3. Toss in your Spellbinding Spinach and let it wilt down (like the souls of my ex-lovers)
4. Halve your Tomatoes of Terror and squeeze out the seeds with the side of a blade, then proceed to toss them into the pan
5. Add your Specter Spices to your liking (I prefer Ghoulish Garlic Salt after many a feud with a series of vampires)
6. Add in Crypt of Cream Cheese
7. Chop your Cadaver of Chicken to your liking (and/or Bewildering Bacon Bits)
8. Let simmer
9. Add in your Pasta of Pestilence (I prefer Petrifying Penne, but to each their own)
10. Fill cauldron halfway with Milk of Mourning
11. Let simmer
12. Curse those with lactose intolerance and add in cheese liberally
13. Let simmer more. When it looks and smells edible, you’re probably good to eat it. 

Startling Stew

(It’s proven most useful for when you catch the inevitable plague of thine dorm hall. It startles it away.)

What you’ll need:

– Batty Broth of Chicken (or beef) – this is the only ingredient which cannot be found at this institution. You will need to go up the road a ways to find the merchant whose facade is inscribed with the insignia “Tree of Dollar.”

– Ogre Olive Oil 

– Corpse Carrots

– Otherworldly Onions

– Spellbinding Spinach

– Tomatoes of Terror (roasted)

– Cadaver of Chicken (or Brutal Beef, it depends on your broth. If you want to get bold, you can add both.)

– Specter Spices (Post Mortem Paprika works especially well.)

Steps:

1. Put your cauldron upon half fire, and add in Ogre Olive Oil
2. Chop Otherworldly Onions finely. Take great care with these. I put a spell on them that makes tears well from the eyes. (I needed them for an ingredient. Don’t ask questions.) 
3. Let them simmer, and begin to chop your spinach finely. Let wilt once more (like the mental capacity of those of whom I’ve engaged in conversing with)
4. Halve your Tomatoes of Terror once more, and take out the seeds
5. Chop Corpse Carrots finely
6. Spice accordingly
7. Add in finely Chopped Cadaver of Chicken or Brutal Beef
8. Add in your Batty Broth of Chicken and/or Beef
9. Let simmer accordingly
10. Feed to those afflicted with dorm plague (or those that just want a tasty meal)

That’s all. I would have made “Burned at the Stake Steak,” but you had to go and accuse me of witchcraft (and that’s too bougie anyway). That’s all you get: comfort food that may just smell so good that the dead are raised. Make with caution.