Charcuterie Bites:
Listen. It’s pricey, but it’s prosciutto. I don’t know what to tell you. Plus there’s nine of them! They are really filling, and they taste like going into a Versace store and pretending you fit in. Perfect to cosplay daily luxury as a college student. It gets stuck in your teeth a bit, yeah, but every rose has its thorns – you know? The package says they are hand made too. I don’t know if I believe it entirely, but I actively choose to due to the bliss I take in simple ignorance. These jawns are IMMERSIVE. Bonus if you throw in some sparkly grape juice or whatnot on the side. I feel like it’s a different world where classical music follows in my train as I walk. Do I admittedly feel better than other people when I consume these? I mean…. kinda man. I gotta be honest here. I feel hella tasteful and refined.
Rating: 10/10
Synergy Kombucha:
I love this. This is what happiness tastes like. Synergy Kombucha is perfectly fizzy, and it has some pretty decent flavors. I don’t know, it might be the placebo effect of it being marketed as a “heath drink,” but I genuinely feel more alert in class when I drink this, and it’s a good pick me up. It retails pretty close to store price for $4.29, and in my opinion, it is worth every penny. The “Pomelo Lemonade” is my personal favorite. The only thing that knocks down my rating a bit is the “Sacred Life” flavor. I gulped it down once because I didn’t want my precious C-Store doubloons going to waste, but I was full of pure and utter disdain. To be honest, I lost a bit of faith in humanity that day.
Rating: 8/10
Starbucks Double Shot Energy:
It’s decent. The value is pretty good too. If you need coffee in a rush, and don’t want to trek to Cafe 2020, or wait for your order to be ready, this definitely does the trick. It also costs less than cafe items typically cost, and it gives a good energy boost. I’ve even seen people use it as a creamer for their daily coffee! I tried that “life hack” too- I wasn’t blown away and reality didn’t warp in on itself due to high levels of bliss, but it was ok. Just stick to drinking it as coffee alone and you’re golden.
Rating: 7/10
Taylor Farms Fiesta Salad
Gorgeous. Not only is it a phenomenal taste for an on-the-go salad, but IT COMES WITH A FORK. You heard that right everyone. The dressing? Divine. The toppings? Fabulous. It’s also pretty filling. In fact, as I write this, I think I’m going to go get one right now.
Rating: 10/10
Grab and Go Chicken Caesar Wrap:
This wrap has a very special power. You will find out if you are a lucky person or not, because this collection of caesar dressing and chicken may just be the most situational thing ever. On the days when it decides to suck… oh my, it may just be the most dry, mid thing ever. This wrap is akin to scrying. You will find out your fate. On the days when it is good, it may just be the most luscious culinary accomplishment this college has to offer. This is why the rating is still somewhat high, because how good it is cancels out the undeniable mid-ness of the bad days.
Rating: 7/10
Celcius:
I like it. I really do. I’m a bit biased, since it has been a long time favorite of mine even prior to attending this college. It is a bit pricey which knocks down its rating a bit, however, it is not abhorrent above store price for C-Store Expectations. Additionally, I like the variety of options, and how effective it is in giving me energy. Don’t be a weirdo like past me and drink like three a day… your heart will pound insatiably, and you will inevitably question if death is imminent.
Rating: 7.9
Strawberry Milkshake Pop Tart:
Abominable. Key eye-witness accounts of this “pop tart” are disturbed. The case is still breaking, so I can’t elaborate further. All you need to know is it tastes like the inside of a high school bathroom stall smells mixed with the diarrhea of a sentient cotton candy. Don’t let it fool you.
Rating: 0.1/10
Tide Laundry Detergent:
I have a bone to pick. In fact, I have an entire skeleton worth. Actually when I think about it, the skeleton of a blue whale (since it’s the largest animal I can think of). You can find these little Tide detergents down the street at the dollar store for about $1.25 (give or take some). The $5.19 price tag this boasts is practically criminal. It’s small too! I am a stingy girl when it comes to detergent, I use the amount needed because I’m low-key FIRE at being economical. But dude, this doesn’t even last me that long. For $5, I got a 67.5 ounce “Xtra” at the dollar store. This is less than the price of this 10 ounce, and close to seven times the usage potential. If you want us bright eyed and bushy tailed for class with clean clothes, give us detergent prices that don’t knock us off our asses. There is literally no possible justification for this price. Thanks for coming to my TEDTalk.
Rating: 0/10
Chobani Yogurt:
Listen. I am a big yogurt fan. However, I am appalled at its pricing. Listen. I am a former business student who learned about one thing. I will use my sole word of rhetoric I know from those two harrowing years to describe it as follows: demand. There cannot possibly be enough demand for C-Store Yogurt to justify the double the average store price price tag it has for a relatively small container when you can get all the scoops you want in Upper Wismer. I get it. It has a pleasant flavor, but it doesn’t make my day brighter in any capacity. What are we doing here?
Rating: 3/10
Advil:
Don’t speak this word around me. Don’t even try to piss me off. Fun fact the price is removed now (as it is for most of the items on the general needs shelf that also contains the Tide). But before, it retailed at double the store price for a bit over 8 dollars. That feels intentional. We are hard working students who get stress headaches, and this just feels like capitalizing off our weaknesses. That being said, it does help headaches and related ailments a lot, so that saves its score a bit. But not much.
Rating: 3.5/10
Cheerios (and most general cereals):
Are we being so serious right now. Again I say DEMAND DEMAND DEMAND. We don’t even really need it because there’s cereal in upper, and you think that might lower the price. But nooooo. I don’t know, maybe I’m capping (I’m not particularly skilled in economics), but if there’s lower demand the price should be lower. $10.69?!? Almost 4 times the average store price, and the Cheerios are the regular ones that taste like dog food (don’t ask me how I know what that tastes like), not even Honey Nut! I am highly displeased.
Rating: 1/10