*Disclaimer: This article was published in The Goofly, a satire edition of The Grizzly.
The first floor of Myrin Library has been out of commission for most of this academic year due to renovations. With the implementation of APEX at Ursinus, the college planned to build several new offices, alongside the new Bloomberg Terminals, to create a central location for student support. The first new office will be the Center for Corporate Zoom Learning (CCZL). Students will learn Zoom etiquette, including how to dress for success from the midriff up, how to work in a team of black squares, and how to be accessible to your boss after you log off for the day. The second office is Campus Pharma. Here, students can be prescribed Vyvanse, Ozempic, Ativan, and Prozac (BOGO deal applies), if they can provide a handwritten note that says ‘please’ and ‘thank you.’ The third new office offered to students is The Office of Debt Relief (ODR). In this office, you can create personalized financial plans for how you will pay off the debt as your tuition gradually increases, apply for direct unsubsidized loans, and learn how to day trade to accumulate wealth by supporting Tesla (billing may apply).
This all is very enticing, and you are likely wondering when you can access all these new helpful resources. However, to enter Myrin’s front floor, you must first go through the CSTSA (Campus Safety Transportation Security Administration), because Myrin is also now operating as an airport! Administration has asked students to, upon entering the new front entrance of Myrin, take off their shoes, place their bags in the gray bin, and wait in line. Once in line, your backpack will be inspected for contraband. Be sure not to leave your belongings unattended, or they might be collected by CSTSA. No need to travel to Philadelphia Airport to make your way home. Now, when summer break comes around, you can get a direct flight out of Collegeville. Talk about a centralized location!
Additionally, when you are in Myrin Airport, you will be subject to surveillance. The Circulation desk, once located in the corner of the first floor, has been relocated to the center and will now be known as The Circulation Panopticon. The student employees are there to help you reprint your student ID, check out materials you need, and access tech support. They are also there to make you feel safe because we value your comfort as students, so they will also be watching…very closely. Student employees do reserve the right to remove you from the building if they sense your vibe is off. No bad vibes on Myrin’s first floor! Please maintain a smile on your face at all times.
Campus tour groups will also be flying in from locations around the world to see the luxurious renovations. Tours will now be occurring on an hourly basis. When new prospective students arrive, be sure to maintain a positive attitude and express your love for our campus. During tours, please repeat the Ursinus Slogan: “We love the Myrin Airport! This is one of many great spots on campus for community and support!” Refrain from making direct eye contact with the tour groups; just act naturally as though they are not there.
By now, maybe you are wondering what the new study spaces will look like on the first floor. Don’t worry! You don’t need to study anymore; you are just here to enjoy the modern minimalist atmosphere and admire the fluorescent light fixtures. (Just take a look at the ceiling! It vaguely resembles an over-easy egg.) Swallow some of that new prescription and take a seat on the plastic cushioned couch—now that’s luxury. There will be some books on shelves, but they are for display only and are actually made of plastic! Once you have settled into the new open floor plan, all those silly assignments will fade away. Finally, away from the fumes of dusty books and carpet from the 80s, you can relax in the presence of linoleum flooring. Welcome to your new learning environment: financial support, corporate success, pharma, and an airport all in one place.
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