*Disclaimer: This article was published in The Goofly, a satire edition of The Grizzly.
For months, Ursinus students have anticipated a big move by the school, in the face of turmoil surrounding the school’s financial status. At last, that massive shift has finally arrived.
Interim President Gundolf Graml announced at an impromptu press conference Friday that the school plans to add more smoothie machines across campus. It’s a decision he believes will renew interest in the institution, after rumors of enrollment beginning to decline.
“The presence of a smoothie machine can be found at the forefront of so many of the country’s greatest institutions,” Graml said. “We’re simply adding ourselves into the fold.”
The original smoothie machine was placed in the Floy Lewis Bakes Center, a move largely applauded by students. The machine is used often, and is almost always functioning properly.
“I don’t know what I’d do without that smoothie machine,” said Sidney Belleroche ‘27. “It’s one of the best investments this school has ever made.”
The new machines, to be placed in each individual building, will look to follow up on that strong legacy. Each machine will come equipped with new flavors, meant to replicate the same high-quality dining experiences of Wismer dining hall.
Some mixes currently being tested include: “dry and flavorless grilled chicken,” “uncooked broccoli,” and a personal favorite, “unidentifiable stir fry made with mystery meat.” More flavors are set to be announced as the semester goes on, through the often-used Ursinus Dining app.
While the machines do represent an exciting new venture, they create one key issue: the need for more employees. The process of creating new flavors, and ensuring the safety of Ursinus’s most important assets, will likely require human labor. It’s an investment that could be troubling, given the school’s lack of funds.
The school announced a solution during the press conference, however, one which could benefit both the students and the school. A new “Smoothie Machine Operation” APEX hub will be created, in order to keep the machines up and running.
“We’re excited to add such a fruitful career path to our current APEX offerings,” Graml said.
The path will involve unpaid internships helping operate Ursinus smoothie machines, as well as various events in which students can meet smoothie machine operators from around the country. Reported interest in the hub is sky-high.
“I’m so excited to check out what this career path has to offer, and so many other students feel the same, “ said Nathaniel Nerone ‘28.
A new “Smoothie Machine Operation” major to go with the hub is rumored for 2028, as well as a new addition to the CIE curriculum: the bestselling book “How To Operate A Smoothie Machine” by esteemed novelist Mada Nned. Ursinus officials declined to confirm either report.
By adding a higher emphasis on smoothie machines across campus, Ursinus will look to become a more attractive option for students in this area, and across the country. It’s a bold move, one they feel might take time, but are confident will pay off.
“Rome wasn’t built in a day, “President Graml said. “And smoothie machines generally take about 2 weeks to assemble.”
Be on the lookout for a smoothie machine in a building near you this fall.