“Biden” My time? I’d rather not be

Daniel Walker


This past month has seen the rapid ascendancy of Joe Biden to the top of the Democratic candidate heap, despite his initial poor showing in the first few national primaries. Biden knocked out all other centrist candidates for the 2020 presidential race, and even early favorite Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign – for reasons having just as much to do with the ongoing coronavirus pandemic as Biden’s sudden lead. I’m no great fan of Biden – in addition to being a serial sexual harasser and a doddering old galoot with no control over his mental faculties, he also embodies the compromise-oriented spirit of the establishment Democrat. 

However, in accordance with the “Intellectual Diversity” act recently instituted by Ursinus, I have been forced to reprint this personal address from Mr. Biden himself – being as all public speaking events are shuttered at the moment, Mr. Biden and the folks behind his campaign thought this would be the best way to reach the “young folks.” The statement is as follows:

“And another thing. When I was riding the rails, back in the, uh, the twenties or the sixties, a stack of pancakes was seven pancakes. No more, no less. And a short stack, a short stack was three. And I remember one day, this would’ve been August of ‘72, I was having lunch with the great senator, a wonderful senator, and his name was Kenneth McRacist. And ol’ Ken used to lift up the pancakes and pour the syrup under each one, and put the butter too. And I said look here buddy, what’s going on? That’s not how you treat a nice, fluffy pancake. And he looked me in the eye and said ‘Hey, man, you talkin’ back to me? Take ‘em out. You gotta keep ‘em separated.’ And those words really stuck with me. Because it taught me that sometimes, to do the things you want to do, you gotta never do the things you want to do.”

“You kids don’t know Thing One about what it takes to be a great politician. All you Jimmies and Janes, you just don’t get it. You gotta make the tough decisions. Sometimes when your bread goes a little bad, you gotta chew around the mold. And the bread, y’know, doesn’t matter if it’s sourdough, or a sweet bagel, you just gotta make the cake the way the cookbook like it’s printed in the cookbook. If you don’t, the cake will end up crazy. And another thing, my elbow hurts.”

“I remember in ‘83, when I was wrapping up college, I felt just like you. I was scared, I was a baby, I didn’t know what a car or an airplane was. But I figured it out, paved my way, didn’t stand in the road too long, and BOOM! That bug in the grass just kept on hopping. You know, if you can put one foot in front of America, and put the other foot in your hand, then brother, let me tell ya, you’ve got so many heads you could start a football team with them. And that’s against the of I and the reason blue corn swertt feeetia ghX4 and that’s that.”

Words of wisdom, or a harbinger of doom? You decide. All I can say is this – don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.