Art Comes To Life!

SATIRE: for the Goofly

Too High For This


Everyone has seen the statues of the gardener and the knitter here at Ursinus. They’re staples of the campus, and everyone remembers their first time seeing them and thinking they’re real people, and then after doing a double take, realizing they’re just creepy life-like statues! However, in a bizarre and unprecedented turn of events, these statues have now come to life, much to the surprise and amusement of students and faculty alike.

When asked about her opinion of the other sculptures and statues across campus, the gardener said, “I am a really big fan of them. They make the knitter and I look like the statue of David. I mean have you seen the literal piece of scrap metal they have out on the lawn in front of Ritter? Not only that, but we don’t have to worry about drunk kids climbing on top of us on Friday and Saturday nights. I can’t really blame them though, the other sculptures do kind of look like something that you’d find at a playground.” Maybe those comments are a little bit harsh, but can any of us really disagree with them?

The Gardener went on to give some praise to the college, stating, “On a more serious note though, it is really nice to be a part of a school that has such a deep appreciation for art and creativity. Like remember that time they got a huge electric construction sign that said ‘Art is an essential service’ and placed it outside of The Berman Museum? That was most definitely a responsible purchase for a school that is looking for ways to save money. Not only that, but the school is always enhancing the landscape and environment of the campus. For example, that area right outside of Lower Wismer that was fenced off last year because they were making some sort of garden, but it turns out they just dug a hole and planted a bunch of overgrown weeds in it.” It is nice to know that the gardener is also a fellow admirer of the aforementioned hole with weeds in it.

The knitter also had many words of praise for the college. “I just walked around the campus for the first time, and honestly, my heart stopped for a second because after looking at the other sculptures, I thought that maybe this place was some sort of scrap yard and I was about to get trashed, but a student was kind enough to explain to me that nowadays, rusty metal and obscure shapes is considered to be art. Also, what’s the deal with that new mesh mound over by the lawn next to the dining hall? I’ve been asking around and no one seems to have any idea as to what it is.” I myself had no idea what it was until the statue informed me that it was a mesh mound, however, I still don’t know what that means and am left more confused about it. “This school must be pretty well off financially if you guys have money to blow on ‘art’ like that,” the knitter went on to state. She was in fact shocked to learn that the school is not well off financially. 

It was certainly nice to hear the eye-opening and enlightening thoughts and opinions of the gardener and the knitter in regard to the art around the college’s campus. God willing, those humanoid looking sculptures on the lawn across from BWC won’t come to life next, because that would be absolutely terrifying.