New Epic Wismer Changes for Next Year XD!

SATIRE: for the Goofly

Wy Tays


Throughout the spring semester, lots of changes have gone into Wismer. We thought we’d suggest our own changes for next year, sure to keep Wismer as the best (and only) dining hall in town. 


Mozz Mondays

  • We all love getting mozzarella sticks every Monday in Lower                                                                Wismer, so we’re suggesting it  spread upwards. The grill will become a one-stop spot for freshly made mozzarella sticks, along with a mozzarella grilled cheese. All the pizza at the pizza station will be made with only mozzarella cheese. At the pasta station, all topping options will be replaced with a mozzarella cheese sauce (made fresh by Wismer chefs). All other stations will have appropriately themed mozzarella offerings (look forward to the mozzarella-and-chocolate chip cookies).


Taco Tuesdays

  • THAT’S RIGHT!We suggest the beloved tacos and taquitos make a return to Wismer for the foreseeable future. Every station should offer one of many toppings and fillers for your taco, with a tasteful side of taquitos to boot. We also suggest the addition of a new creation, the patent-pending Wismer pizza taco (Or is it a taco pizza?). The demand would be sky-high! 


Waffle Wednesdays

  • We suggest the  ever-popular and beloved waffle bar returns, expanding this time.. Every station should be fitted with an array of toppings,with every option under the sun available, even the kitchen sink (literally, made from edible porcelain of course). Behind the grill, the lovely Wismer associates can work tirelessly to make waffles faster than you all can gobble them up. We could even change common hour to “mandatory waffle hour,” so that all unwilling students weighed down by an abundance of meetings can’t miss out!


Thirsty Thursdays

  • We all know that the new “don’t fill your water bottle” policy has been less than popular. We’re suggesting that every Thursday, all the drink machines will be turned off and students can bring in and drink out of their own bottles. Our lovely and hard-working staff can also work behind the scenes to make sure that all of our Wismer cups will actually be clean the next time you come in to use them. 


Frat Fridays

  • Here at Ursinus we love our diverse and accepting Greek Organizations. To celebrate this we should close the dining halls every Friday to everyone except those who are a part of Greek life here. We hope this will help drive up recruitment, and help everyone who might be hesitant to join a Greek org. Reminder to anyone interested that they must fill out the interest form


Sad Saturday

For our next event day, we suggest our specialty chefs attempt to create the flavor of melancholy as described in “Because of Winn Dixie.” This would provide the opportunity for substantially more flavor in Upper Wismer. On Saturdays all of the food should be infused with this flavor, and students will be asked to rate their mood on a scale of smile face to frown. This move could tie directly into CIE, as the move would likely lead to all students being required to purchase a copy of “Because of Winn Dixie” for the class. 


Sunny Sunday

  • To round out our week, we’re suggesting all food on Sundays  be flown to Arizona where our expert cooks cam fry it on the hot sidewalk (after sanitizing the sidewalk, of course). It can then be flown back to be enjoyed by our lovely community. Due to the length of the process, students would have to fill out the food order form 24 hours in advance, so they could have their food hot and ready.


We hope these changes are applied as soon as possible!