*Disclaimer: This article was published in The Goofly, a satire edition of The Grizzly.
Dear Celeste,
My boyfriend wants me to go on vacation with his parents over spring break. What should I do? – June
Dear June,
Your name is June; don’t vacation in March.
Dear Celeste,
My boyfriend and I just started dating a month ago and he’s already talking about marriage. I think it’s too soon. What should I do? – Scarlet
Dear Scarlet,
While one of the school colors is red, as is your name sake, that is a red flag. You are not a bull, please run like it’s a checkered flag.
Dear Celeste,
Was the dress gold and white or blue and black? – Sam
Dear Sam,
I don’t talk about divisive topics in my column. Please refrain from asking such questions in the future.
Dear Celeste,
I’m Team Edward, but my roommate is Team Jacob. We’ve been fighting all week; what should I do? – Bella
Dear Bella,
I should say not to let this come between the two of you, but I won’t. Is it 2009? Why do you both still care? If it is really a problem for the two of you I think you should take inspiration from Twilight and fight for it. Or, you guys come to an agreement that the books were better.
Dear Celeste,
My boyfriend gave me a really ugly necklace. What should I do? – Rose
Dear Rose,
Hopefully you have seen Titanic, if so, you know what to do.