*Disclaimer: This article was published in The Goofly, a satire edition of The Grizzly.
As much as Ursinus students bemoan the lack of half-decent food on campus, for survival purposes, every student finds their “safe” foods. These safe foods are few and far between. There’s smoothie bowls from Fresh Fix, Ben & Jerry’s from C-Store, burrito bowls from Cinco, and of course the flatbreads from Cafe 2020. Specifically, the chicken bacon ranch flatbread.
But, by the decision of some evil ranch-hating conspirator, the chicken bacon ranch flatbread is no more!
There are few joys on this campus that could outshine skipping the Russian roulette of Upper Wismer and ordering a trusty flatbread from the Cafe, trekking back to your dorm with the cardboard box in hand, and devouring every slice in your dorm.
To make matters worse, the buffalo chicken flatbread has also gone amiss. Poof!
Oh, and the margherita flatbread? Gone, along with our sanity.
You might be wondering, what has taken the place of these flavorful delights? All that remains of the flatbreads are: three cheese, pepperoni, and chipotle chicken. What happened to trust and consistency? Going on to the GrubHub app to see the removal on my beloved chicken bacon ranch, I felt a sense of betrayal.
Student life is stressful and busy, and I expect to have some rights around here. Namely: I demand that when the campus food overlords make abrupt changes to the menu, they at least consult the student body–like the democracy we are–and get our collective approval. I can tell you with some certainty, this menu change does not represent the desires of Ursinus students.
This is not the first time a campus food-favorite has been unjustly taken away from us. Let me remind you of the fresh baked cookies. The whimsy of walking into Wismer and smelling warm chocolate chip cookies. The ringing of the bell and the students rushing to get a cookie from the tray. How many times I have yearned for a treat as delectable as those warm, gooey cookies.
And, the orange chicken they used to serve every week in Wismer. The bright red dye 40 that used to tickle my tastebuds. The thrill of the perfectly sweet sauce and savory chicken. It was a Wismer staple, to say the least. I have not tasted such a joy since the dining administration change of ‘24. I might never again.
This is not a complaint made by me alone, behind me stands Ursinus students:
“The buffalo chicken flatbread singlehandedly saved my life,” Carmelita says, tearing up, “I’m sorry, I’m still in the mourning process. I just am not sure how I will go on.”
Richardson (Carmelita’s boyfriend) adds, “It has been devastating for me to watch her in this state of grief. The loss of the buffalo chicken ranch flatbread has left a fog of frustration and distress that is felt campus-wide.”
And that it has. The lives of students are surely taking a hit as we feel these shared grievances. Three cheese will have to do in the meantime, but hear me when I speak for the majority: give us flatbread, or give us death!