*Disclaimer: This article was published in The Goofly, a satire edition of The Grizzly.
Thanks to a budget increase resulting from recent changes like Reimert Hall’s new wildly popular stripper poles, the College’s administration has announced a push to make new and unique varieties of merchandise available for purchase in the bookstore. The lineup includes the much-needed “Pepto-Wismol” antacid medication and “APEX, by Hannigainz” protein powder (pending in-progress performance enhancing drug investigations), but by far the most anticipated is the official Ursinus College unisex perfume: Chanel No. 420.
Featuring notes of kush atop soupy, muddled layers of herb, ganja, and bud, the fragrance comes at two price points to suit all perfume enthusiasts: $27 per eighth of an ounce to wear out to parties, and $50 for the good stuff. And, boy, are students excited. In the Main Street Village, in First-Year Centers, heck, even in math class, the air is thick with the scent of Glossier Doobie. (So much so that one almost has to wonder: where are college students getting that kind of money in this economy?)
“We haven’t been able to keep it on the shelves,” comments bookstore student-employee Annalyse, ‘25. “It’s especially popular with freshmen who live in BWC, but, really, I think everyone should try it. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for your dog. Your grandma will probably enjoy it more than you’d expect.” Eau Zazauge’s popularity stems not from its scent alone, however; through focus groups, the Ursinus marketing team has determined that its single most important feature is its staying power. One spritz lasts until your next shower, and sometimes even past then, if you’ve truly ascended to the perfume’s lifestyle. Can’t get your hands on the fragrance? Never fear – you need only stroll through an active event space and you’ll wake up the next morning with subtle hints of it clinging to your skin and hair, shared so generously by proximity with a fellow student. After all, community is important here at Ursinus, and what unites us more than MJ One?
Despite the fragrance’s abounding presence on campus, however, some students have expressed concern; not everyone appreciates its nuance and complexity. However, one well-known Ouid Wood enthusiast offers a response, provided while wrapping a Lower Wismer cheesesteak in with a slice of Upper Wismer pizza: “Uh, okay? Hey, do you have any Pepto-Wismol?” Well put, Ouid Wood enthusiast. Well put.
Aside from flighty complaints about the perfume itself, a much more prominent concern among the student body is that of the bookstore’s limited hours; what is one to do if they can’t procure a bottle of This Perfume Smells Like My Marijuana due to their class or sports schedule? (A significant portion of complaints did appear to come from athletes, specifically.) However, a spokesperson for the College explained between recording sessions with D-Bone that a plan is already in place: by the 20th of the month, there will be bottles of Hash Body Spray available for purchase 24/7 in the C-Store. Keep an eye on the household items shelf – it’s rumored that Green Irish Trees will be directly between the toilet paper and the dryer sheets, and sometimes paired with BOGO coupons for goods such as Pizza Rolls and frozen burritos.