*Disclaimer: This article was published in The Goofly, a satire edition of The Grizzly.
What started as a simple email from Facilities, warning residents about a few new poles to “hold up Reim,” has turned into something much more suspicious. The college claims Reim is on the verge of collapsing. But let’s be real — it’s not Reim that’s collapsing, it’s the American economy. Ursinus has a new plan to prepare students for what’s coming.
That’s right, sugar babies!!! Earn your XLP credits with the Reimert Stripper Pole Courtyard.
As the warm weather takes a turn, so can you! With summer break quickly approaching, the faculty at Ursinus College are thrilled to present a new and exciting opportunity that just might fulfill your XLP credit. Introducing a comprehensive summer internship course worth four credits, designed to teach students the art of seduction, self-expression, and, most importantly, college dropout survival.
Wet Campus? Meet Wet & Wild Campus
Everyone’s familiar with the wet campus policy. And if you’re not, well, you’ve clearly never spent a weekend at Reim. But now, things are getting even wetter. With new construction soon to come, we present Reim’s Rims and Rums, the first-ever on-campus dive bar with topless dancers. Offering everything from questionable jungle juice to “limited edition” Natty Lites, it’s the perfect place to pregame before your next, uh, extracurricular activity. With 24/7 activity and shows from our girls, you can make your own schedule to work, watch, or learn how to perfect your stage presence, finesse the fine art of seduction, conversation, and explore the sociological implications of pole work, all on and off the stage.
But Wait—There’s More
Of course, the real money isn’t in pole dancing. It’s in the “behind- the-scenes” action—quite literally. Word on campus is that the school has been “encouraging entrepreneurship” in the form of a Reimert Escort Service. You know, for those extra credit opportunities. Apply fast before spots fill up!