SATIRE: for The Goofly
Let’s take a look at past editions of The Goofly to compile an accurate history of Ursinus College.
Timeline:
1990: Our next national pastime, Jello-wrestling, was conceived by Ursinus freshman class president.
1992: President Dichter resigns under drug dealing charges.
1999: The Arts and Lectures Committee presents Timothy Leary to speak on his Politics of Ecstasy.
2001: Co-ed Naked Beer Pong team debuts at Ursinus.
2001: Goofly Crossfire: Is your mom a dirty whore?
2001: Wismer starts using squirrels as a source of cheap meat, weaning them on a strict beer and nuts regimen to fatten them for the slaughter to come.
2003: “Freshman Class Pain in the A**.” The Office of Admissions released the number of students accepted as the Class of 2007, a “shocking 13,000 students strong.”
2003: An arsonist was hired by Dr. Goodman to burn down Ritter.
2004: Killer squirrels seize construction site at Ursinus College.
2004: Britney Spears put her education before her music career, canceling her concerts and enrolling mid-semester at Ursinus College.
2023: President Hannigan is revealed as Ursinusanonymous2.
2023: Free vasectomies begin being offered on campus.