SATIRE: for the Goofly
Chuck E. Cheese
DoronTaussig@gobirds.org
SPORTS
Hello everyone and welcome back to another week of the Bear Corner. This week’s edition will cover the potential new sports being added to Ursinus College athletics for the 2024-25 season. According to a recent announcement by President Hannigan, the school is looking to add a new up-and-coming sport to campus. Now, President Hannigan did not announce what this sport would be but according to an unknown source close to the president, we know that the school has narrowed it down to three new sports.
According to our source, The #1 most likely sport to be added for next season is Cheese Rolling. Cheese Rolling, a common sport practiced in the United Kingdom, will be added as an additional section to Ursinus’ already successful Track and field program. For those who are not avid Cheese Rolling fans, Cheese Rolling is a sport in which a large wheel of cheese, typically Double Gloucester cheese, is rolled down a large hill. At the same time the Wheel is rolled, participants will try to race the wheel down the hill. A participant can win the Cheese Roll by either beating the cheese down or they can be the first participant down the hill. If a participant beats the wheel of cheese down the hill, not only do they win the competition but they are also given the wheel of cheese. According to multiple sources on the board, the school already has the infrastructure to add a cheese rolling team. One of the sources close to president Hannigan believes that the school will most likely utilize the Hill behind Snell for this event.
Another sport that we may see for the 2024-25 season is Shin Kicking. Similar to cheese rolling, this sport also originated in the United Kingdom. Shin Kicking is a 1 on 1 contest similar to wrestling in which players will start off with hands on each other’s shoulders. Once the ref blows the whistle, players will then kick eachother in the shins until an opponent falls overs. Points will be rewarded based on if the opponent falls or points may be deducted if players are making contact with the opposing players shoulders. As of right now, three Centennial Conference schools have announced the formation of Shin Kicking teams for next year. It is rumored that if chosen the first match will be outside in front of BPS at homecoming right after wrestling.
The final sport under consideration is very up and coming and just recently added to NCAA. This sport, the least likely to be added because of the expenses that come with it, is known as extreme Ironing. Unlike the Ironing that you may do at home, Extreme Ironing is a timed sport in which participants must Iron three articles of clothing in extreme places. The way this would work is that a participant starts off at starting and must travel to three different points on campus. With them they must find a way to transport their ironing board, iron and articles of clothing. After ironing in the designated areas, the participant must cross the finish line with their ironed articles of clothing. Players can earn points based on how fast they are able to complete the course but also how crisp their ironing is. If a participant crosses the line and has wrinkles in their shirt, then that person may be deducted points from their final score.
Overall it is unknown which sport will be added to the athletic department next year but we hear at the Bear Corner are incredibly excited to see Ursinus lead the movement in adding the next generation of sports. Tune in next week for more coverage on president Hannigan’s announcement.