Disclaimer: this article was written for the April 1st issue and is a part of The Goofly. This Grizzly issue is satirical.
The moment we have all been waiting for, the most anticipated, inconvenient, questionable addition to campus, the Health Hub is finally opening. And lucky enough for the male population on this campus, free vasectomies are being offered! We all know, and so does the Wellness Center, that those receptionist desk condoms will rip from a baby carrot, so they had to find a backup plan forthemselves. All of our doctors have taken a full crash course on the Bear Care Portal and are ready to get snipping.
The Biology department has invested in a $1.2 billion research plan for students to study the fallen soldiers. This is part of a 10-year feminist research project to eradicate human-kind and transition into a robot-dominant society.
This will decrease the amount of Ursinus baby bears that pop before a couple’s anticipated graduation date! We already have enough college students who act like babies, no need to add any more to the Ursinus community. These vasectomies will put Ursinus $600,000 in debt, but do not worry, the school has taken Ritter’s repair budget and put it towards this project.
The Ursinus curriculum has not yet developed a CIE for expecting parents, so better to take care of that problem head on. This opportunity for the male population on campus really answers the four-core questions:
What should matter to me? That the Ursinus alumni donors will soon die off causing the school to go bankrupt and become a playground for the campus ghosts. We won’t need any more little Bears, so preventing unwanted pregnancy matters.
How should we live together? By proving that eventually science will enable women to produce without male sperm, and therefore never have to live together and the male species can die off.
How can we understand the world? The male population can understand how such an easy procedure can sometimes help their not wanting to wear a condom.
What will I do? Schedule an appointment right now, for as soon as possible. For yourself, a friend, a classmate, a professor, a boyfriend, a situationship who is sketchy, you name it!
Ladies, get your men in there, he’s already got one thing cut down there, why not another? You can schedule an appointment in the Bear Care Portal! Additionally, there will be a mandatory Ever-Fi Module for ALL students to complete!