Disclaimer: this article was written for the April 1st issue and is a part of The Goofly. This Grizzly issue is satirical.
Is going to a startlingly mediocre Division III institution starting to bum you out? Wishing Ursinus had more school spirit? Thankfully, Ursinus has a new sport that’s perfect for Pennsylvania’s country bumpkins: cow tipping.
The practice, which dates back thousands of years to civilization’s start in Mesopotamia, involves sneaking up on an unsuspecting bovine and pushing them over. Contrary to popular belief, cows routinely lie down and can easily regain their footing when pushed. They even like getting their bellies scratched.
Games will be played at night so the cows are docile as possible. Teams will compete to knock down the most cows, but there are other ways to score points as well – knocking a cow down onto an opposing player, for instance, or what is known in the sport as a “Holstein topple:” knocking down a cow that in turn knocks down another cow, that knocks down another cow.
There’s no word yet on if Ursinus’s classic bear mascot will be replaced, but some feel as though a bull better represents the student body. After all, we’ve got nasty temperaments, we’re always butting heads, and we’re all pretty horny.
Unfortunately, tuition will need to be raised to $100,000 a semester to cover the cost of renting the cows. But don’t worry – the fitness center will be paying students handsomely to pick up the manure that will soon litter Patterson Field. It’ll bring a deliciously earthy scent to campus that, according to the Wellness Center, will decrease students’ cortisol levels by up to 5%. Even better, Sodexo Dining has announced that they will be serving the “patties” at the Grill as part of their initiative to serve locally sourced food to students. And if you’re still unable to pay for housing, lighting dried cow pies on fire can actually be a great source of fuel.