*Disclaimer: This article was published in The Goofly, a satire edition of The Grizzly.
Last week, Ursinus held a parade welcoming back six local squirrels following their victory on the latest season of The Biggest Loser, streaming exclusively on Tubi Premium. The squirrels captivated the nation and made Collegeville proud by losing an average of 30% of their body fat, a record for the show.
Throughout this season’s runtime, we have watched our squirrels battle insecurity and each other, all while showing vulnerability reminiscent of a bygone reality TV era.
While this achievement is commendable, some naysayers have questioned the legitimacy of their feats. And, speaking in frank terms, through interviews, research, and expert journalism, for once, I have conclusive evidence the naysayers are right: these six squirrels achieved their results unnaturally. During their run on The Biggest Loser, these squirrels were, in fact, on weight loss drugs, namely Ozempic.
This is not a claim I relish making; I have known these squirrels for years, and their families have become like mine. However, as a journalist, I would be doing a disservice to the community if I withheld crucial information. I saw the first red flag with Steven Cheeks (unrelated to popular TV star Sandy Cheeks).
As team leader, Steven’s positive attitude and words of encouragement toward his teammates were widely praised. He repeatedly stated that “there were no shortcuts to progress” and wanted to make his wife proud; he even swore off sweets and junk food entirely! However, I heard rumbling in a trashcan while getting dinner near Ritter a few days ago. Nobody willingly goes to Ritter besides me, so I checked it out. Lo and behold, Steven popped his head out, looking disheveled. I asked what he was doing and if he was ok, and he assured me everything was fine. I left him but stayed around the corner, ensuring he was ok. To my surprise, Steven returned to the trashcan, pulled up a white container, and hid under a lawn chair. I heard him squeak a little before returning the container to the trash and erratically leaving. I investigated it, and I found a used Ozempic pen alongside an empty ice cream container, chocolate cake-covered napkins, and a half-eaten pizza slice.
I went back the next week, and sure enough, he was there again, with another Ozempic injection and even more junk food; I have attached pictures as proof.
Examining the effects and timeline of Ozempic, alongside the weight loss shown by Steven and the other squirrels, this has been going on for at least 16 weeks, coinciding with their time on The Biggest Loser. As a fan, I hope Steven and the others come clean and admit they are, unfortunately, frauds.