Disclaimer: this article was written for the April 1st issue and is a part of The Goofly. This Grizzly issue is satirical.
Robyn Hannigan, President of Ursinus College and former Provost of Clarkson University, has inadvertently revealed herself as the primary creative developer of Ursinusanonymous2, an Instagram account based on satirizing Ursinus College.
To hide her identity, Hannigan posed as a socially awkward member of the Delta Pi Sigma fraternity. Hannigan’s anonymity was compromised after she posted a picture of her and her friends with the caption “Taco Tuesday with the gals. Can’t get much better than this!” on Ursinusanonymous2. Following numerous requests for comments on her position at ursinusanonymous2, Hannigan issued a statement saying “It had to be done.” No other information was given.
A town hall-style meeting was hosted by Hannigan and Dean Missy Bryant in the Musser Auditorium to address allegations posted to the Ursinusanonymous2 Instagram account. Claims include that Ursinus College’s financial state was in poor shape and rapidly declining. When asked whether there was any truth to the allegations, Hannigan pulled out an “It is Happening Again” poster from “thin air” and held it sternly to the audience for around a minute, before walking out of the auditorium. Following this, Missy Bryant went up to the microphone and proclaimed “before we begin I would like to plead the fifth.”
We asked students and faculty what they think of President Hannigan’s position in the Ursinusanonymous2 organization. Here’s what they have to say:
“It’s good that President Hannigan is finally getting acclimated to the Ursinus community. I remember she sat down at my table during lunch once last semester and didn’t say a word. It was pretty odd”- Ellie Howland ‘24
“I wish she would help Brock Blomberg out of the maintenance tunnels considering how much she knows about it. Free Brock Blomberg”- Sophie Barone ‘23
“It makes sense, at least with the It Is Happening Again posters. I was working late in the IDC back in March of 2022 and I saw her practically banging on the increase copies button on the IDC printer yelling “MORE, MORE, MORE”- Dr. John Bailey
“I have no idea how I didn’t figure it out earlier. When I tell you [Hannigan]’s office is littered with Seinfeld and Dune merchandise, I mean it. Her walls and windows are covered by literal framed portraits of The Kramer; she has floor to ceiling stacks of original Dune publications; whenever her door opens, the Seinfeld theme starts playing; everytime we went to Wismer together, she would always smell the air and proclaim ‘the spice’; she even has the Festivus Pole in her office. She must have spent a fortune on all of it”- Anna Hailey, Administrative Aide to the President
“You know, I’m a little hurt by the baseball posts. I mean they’re true and all but they’re still hurtful” – Joe Karlaftis ‘23