*Disclaimer: This article was published in The Goofly, a satire edition of The Grizzly.
This past weekend, the Bears made history, acquiring their first ever five-star basketball prospect in school history. Doron Taussig, a 6’1 Wing from Philadelphia, PA, made his signing public after a long recruiting process, chased down by a plethora of D1 schools. Duke, UConn, and Florida were also in consideration.
Taussig was a very unique prospect, unlike any Ursinus has ever recruited. In his mid-40s and with very little high school playing time, his stardom was discovered differently from other top recruits. Taussig garnered a reputation from his local basketball games hosted at the Germantown Life and Enrichment Center, putting together dominant performances every weekend. Hordes of people were drawn to the GLEC to watch Taussig play, including Philadelphia basketball icons like Dr. J and Allen Iverson. “He was impossible to stop,” admitted New York and Philadelphia street-ball legend The Professor, who came out to a run to compete against
Taussig. “He’s going to succeed wherever he goes.” Eventually, despite already receiving a bachelor’s and master’s degree, Taussig began receiving interest from some of the top programs in the country. “I was initially a little surprised and hesitant,” said Taussig. “But with my love of the game, it was too great to pass up on.”
As mentioned, Taussig had a long list of suitors. He was offered hundreds of thousands in NIL sponsorships and scholarship money by a vast majority of schools. So what drew him to commit to a small D3 like Ursinus? “Really it was the smoothie machine,” explained Taussig. “It truly is one of a kind.” It seems Ursinus’s investment in the of course fast and always reliable machine is beginning to pay off.
With Taussig at the forefront, the Bears have immediately become the favorites to win the Centennial Conference and a national contender. Ursinus has begun charging for admission for games at Helferich Hall due to the mass demand surrounding Taussig’s arrival. “Can’t wait to see @DoronTaussig go to work at Helferich Hall,” tweeted 76ers star Joel Embiid last week. Actor and rap star Will Smith has also reportedly become a season ticket holder. The stars should be out in the Helferich Hall bleachers, as Taussig looks to guide the team to their first NCAA Championship.
With sold out season ticket plans already, Ursinus has massive plans to put the money towards rebuilding campus. A smoothie machine will be placed in each individual building, in order to maximize student health and happiness. “Our goal is to ensure Ursinus’ student’s bright future by investing in our campus,” said President Robyn Hannigan. “It seems the best way to improve is by adding more of these wonderful machines.”
Taussig’s arrival is by far the most anticipated in Ursinus history and is a big boost to the community. We’re so excited to welcome Doron to campus, Go Bears!!