Why You Should Join the Church of Scientology

Definitely not Tom Cruise: signyourlifeaway@scientology.org

Disclaimer: this article was written for the April 1st issue and is a part of The Goofly. This Grizzly issue is satirical.

Have you ever heard of Scientology? Well if you haven’t, then you’re definitely missing out. It’s a wonderful practice that comes with so many benefits that you’ll wonder why it took you so long to find out about Scientology in the first place! If you want to unlock your mind, spirit, body, and your car, then Scientology is a perfect fit for you. It’s quite a bit of work (stressful work) but it’s extremely rewarding and worthwhile. I know it doesn’t sound too promising so far, but once you hear all the great things it has to offer (“great” being subjective, like very subjective) your doubts will be washed away and your questions will be somewhat answered.

Do you enjoy doing classwork, homework, exams and anything else of that sort? Do you feel that it unlocks your true potential and improves your work ethic? Well Scientology gives you that and then some. Imagine the amount of work you have at the end of the semester. Now take that amount and multiply it by 100. Scientology truly believes in hard work, and doing more studying, reading and writing will definitely awaken your inner spirit (“spirit” is used very loosely here). Who doesn’t like awakening spirits? I know I do, and you will too once you add a myriad of papers to your current workload.

Now just imagine being able to extend your spirit. Your spirit is the most important part of your body. When your spirit extends, so does every other aspect of your life. Your credit score extends, your motivation extends and even your stress extends. I did say everything, didn’t I? Well you have to take the good and the bad when it comes to Scientology. The bad outweighs the good, by a great deal, but the good is so good (somewhat) that your spirit will literally come out of your body and thank you personally for making the decision to turn your life around. Now doesn’t that sound amazing?

The person who created the idea of Scientology, which is some guy, had the mindset of a hard worker. Many people seem to lack that mindset these days, and this results in lazy people all around the globe. If people would simply look into Scientology more instead of laughing at the cons of it, then they’d reach true enlightenment in their lives. Now, we weren’t able to get a quote from the person who created Scientology, as no one knows who that is including the person reading this, but we were able to get a random quote from google images. A man named Stanley Clarke, a true believer of Scientology, stated “Scientology is probably one of the most misunderstood things, and it’s sad that it’s so misunderstood.” Scientology is very misunderstood, according to this man. No details as to how or why it’s misunderstood, but that’s not important. Just know that it is. Also, just know that you should join. That’s all the information you’ll need. Will we be seeing you at the next Scientology summit?